Charity

Charity begins at home.  Thats why I'm often found busking outside my bedroom door and I absolutely wont move or stop singing until wife throws a coin in my hat. Seriously though, I've been thinking about donating something to some cause or other.  Theres been loads of it on TV recently because of this sports relief business. But, and theres always a but with me, there are some things that even I the compassion King will not donate to. For instance:

This is Beryl, shes been so traumatised by being left in a field all on her own that she needed rescuing and now we want you to pay for it.  Please do all you can to help desperate donkeys by donating to Donkey Sanctuary today. 

Hmmm who gets my fiver? Beryl the donkey or a starving african child. Sorry Beryl.

Some things do move me though so I decided to do my bit to raise some money for charity.  Now I'm far too busy/lazy to do anything like a sponsored run or walk so I chose to get all my old clothes and deposit them in the nearest charity shop. Which one though? I ruled out Help the Aged straight away. Some old bint on the bus wouldnt give me a seat even though I had a heavy bag filled with clothes that could have bought her a few extra hours of winter fuel. No, the aged will get nothing from me this week. I settled for Cancer.

A nice woman greeted me at the cancer shop and was extremely grateful for my donation. I left with a warm glow inside. I was starting to like this charity thing, it made me feel all nice and as I walked to the bus stop I spotted my next good deed. Big Issue man! A chance not to be missed! I strode purposely over, confident in my new giving mood. Whipped out my wallet and fingered through my notes which nice Big Issue man promptly stole from me and ran off after hitting me with 20 copies of his magazine. The swine!

I'm done with Charity now.

The Little Things

Some small things which are really not that important annoy me. Dont take that literally, I've no problem with small people or less than large objects in general . Heres a short list.

1. Ads that are misleading. For example " Get your free phone for only £15 per month". Thats not free.

2. Do not ask me where I last saw something I've lost. The result could include you losing the ability to reproduce.

3. When I ask my wife if she would like some tea and she replies in the negative then she has no right to expect me to share mine with her. This applies equally to all food and drink.

4. Why do I always need a pee just after I get in the bath and why is it disgusting to then just let it go. Its my pee.

5. Dont ask me how I am unless you really want to know. I dont like it when people glaze over as I tell them.

6. If my eyes are closed and I'm on my back and I look like I'm asleep then theres no need to wake me up to ask me if I'm asleep.

I'm not really a grouch but these are just a small selection of my pet hates. Feel free to add your own.

Im Back

Ok so I have decided to give blogging another go. I started last year then I had a baby, well my wife did. You would probably have heard about it if it was me, I dont handle pain well.
Here goes... I spent today upside down in a tank. Fish tank? No. Sceptic tank? No. An actual tank, big metal thing with tracks and a turret and armour and you get the picture. Its what I do you see, I fix things and tanks are one of the things I fix. Interesting I hear you mumble. Its not. Although today was slightly more interesting than normal, today I managed to get my head stuck under the seat whilst reaching for the batteries which then electrocuted me as I crossed the terminals with my big spanner. My friend who was climbing in through the hatch at the time got a nice boot in the mouth as my legs twitched due to the current. He then decided to give me a boot in the arse in return further compounding my problems. I was now more stuck with a tingly body and a sore bum. Wait that sounds wrong for some reason... I'm sure theres innuendo in there some where. Anyhoo, as well as the kick in the arse he decided not to help free me from my trap until after lunch and promptly disappeared. Well I wasnt about to hang around that long as I was worried all that blood going around my head might trigger an idea which I would regret later. My ideas are usually terrible you see so I kicked and struggled and finally got myself out. I was feeling rather sorry for myself after this so I went and bought myself a red bull energy drink which I know I react badly to and spent the rest of the afternoon running around the workshop with my ear defenders and helmet on. My colleagues are worried about me.