A Time to Reflect

I sat this morning with my Polish in-laws as the news of the tradgedy at Smolensk airport came in. Immediately the phone started ringing as all of my Polish family rang to convey the news. It was a little ray of sunshine to note that the grapevine was faster than even the mighty Sky News in the search for information.

It really is a shock to everyone that this happened and my heart goes out to everyone who will be touched by this in the days to come, not least the families of the victims. It made me pause and reflect on just how quickly it can all come to an end whether you are the President of Poland or a poor shcmuck like me. No doubt in the next few days the finger of blame will be pointed at all and sundry and the simple fact that some people died will be lost amongst the scandal and the conspiracy theories. I've already heard that it was a Russian bomb and that the pilot was drunk and Lech ordered him into the ground but frankly none of this speculation really matters at the moment. Now is a time to cherish those close to you.

Speaking of tradgedies it really grips me when people blow their own out of all proportion in order to suck up some sympathy or to sell a book/story/article, take for instance Miss Navratilova. A much loved tennis star. I was genuinley sad to hear that she is battling with cancer, right up until the point, and I hope it isnt true, that she said it was her own personal 9/11.

Really, so you are comparing your one illness with the suffering of thousands of people eh. Maybe we should drop a building on top of you to see if it matches up. Actually lets just douse you in aviation fuel, set you on fire and then throw you from 700 ft. Martina I hope you get well soon, I really do but lets put it in perspective, your fight is nothing like a national tradgedy.
Rant over... I hope the families of those involved today and Miss Navratilova have peace in the days to come and find comfort in the fact that no matter what, someone will always be at their side.

Not me... Jesus.

Charity

Charity begins at home.  Thats why I'm often found busking outside my bedroom door and I absolutely wont move or stop singing until wife throws a coin in my hat. Seriously though, I've been thinking about donating something to some cause or other.  Theres been loads of it on TV recently because of this sports relief business. But, and theres always a but with me, there are some things that even I the compassion King will not donate to. For instance:

This is Beryl, shes been so traumatised by being left in a field all on her own that she needed rescuing and now we want you to pay for it.  Please do all you can to help desperate donkeys by donating to Donkey Sanctuary today. 

Hmmm who gets my fiver? Beryl the donkey or a starving african child. Sorry Beryl.

Some things do move me though so I decided to do my bit to raise some money for charity.  Now I'm far too busy/lazy to do anything like a sponsored run or walk so I chose to get all my old clothes and deposit them in the nearest charity shop. Which one though? I ruled out Help the Aged straight away. Some old bint on the bus wouldnt give me a seat even though I had a heavy bag filled with clothes that could have bought her a few extra hours of winter fuel. No, the aged will get nothing from me this week. I settled for Cancer.

A nice woman greeted me at the cancer shop and was extremely grateful for my donation. I left with a warm glow inside. I was starting to like this charity thing, it made me feel all nice and as I walked to the bus stop I spotted my next good deed. Big Issue man! A chance not to be missed! I strode purposely over, confident in my new giving mood. Whipped out my wallet and fingered through my notes which nice Big Issue man promptly stole from me and ran off after hitting me with 20 copies of his magazine. The swine!

I'm done with Charity now.

The Little Things

Some small things which are really not that important annoy me. Dont take that literally, I've no problem with small people or less than large objects in general . Heres a short list.

1. Ads that are misleading. For example " Get your free phone for only £15 per month". Thats not free.

2. Do not ask me where I last saw something I've lost. The result could include you losing the ability to reproduce.

3. When I ask my wife if she would like some tea and she replies in the negative then she has no right to expect me to share mine with her. This applies equally to all food and drink.

4. Why do I always need a pee just after I get in the bath and why is it disgusting to then just let it go. Its my pee.

5. Dont ask me how I am unless you really want to know. I dont like it when people glaze over as I tell them.

6. If my eyes are closed and I'm on my back and I look like I'm asleep then theres no need to wake me up to ask me if I'm asleep.

I'm not really a grouch but these are just a small selection of my pet hates. Feel free to add your own.

Im Back

Ok so I have decided to give blogging another go. I started last year then I had a baby, well my wife did. You would probably have heard about it if it was me, I dont handle pain well.
Here goes... I spent today upside down in a tank. Fish tank? No. Sceptic tank? No. An actual tank, big metal thing with tracks and a turret and armour and you get the picture. Its what I do you see, I fix things and tanks are one of the things I fix. Interesting I hear you mumble. Its not. Although today was slightly more interesting than normal, today I managed to get my head stuck under the seat whilst reaching for the batteries which then electrocuted me as I crossed the terminals with my big spanner. My friend who was climbing in through the hatch at the time got a nice boot in the mouth as my legs twitched due to the current. He then decided to give me a boot in the arse in return further compounding my problems. I was now more stuck with a tingly body and a sore bum. Wait that sounds wrong for some reason... I'm sure theres innuendo in there some where. Anyhoo, as well as the kick in the arse he decided not to help free me from my trap until after lunch and promptly disappeared. Well I wasnt about to hang around that long as I was worried all that blood going around my head might trigger an idea which I would regret later. My ideas are usually terrible you see so I kicked and struggled and finally got myself out. I was feeling rather sorry for myself after this so I went and bought myself a red bull energy drink which I know I react badly to and spent the rest of the afternoon running around the workshop with my ear defenders and helmet on. My colleagues are worried about me.

Fire Fire Fire

Ever wondered how you'll react in a crisis?? Will you be cool, calm and collected? Will you panic, curl into a ball and start sucking your thumb? I now know how I react. Not well as it happens. Somewhere between the previous two examples. It all started off so well, I had decided to cook steak and chips. Got me some meat and potatoes, prepared them, put the oil in a pan and started to heat it. I was so proud of my good start I decided to have a beer to celebrate while the oil was warming. After 15 minutes or so when the oil was nuclear I dumped in all of the chips. That was my first mistake, chip pan exploded with hot fat, it came into contact with the hob and hey presto, man has discovered fire. Cue smoke alarm and me screaming for my wife. She enters the inferno and promptly grabs the dog, runs out and closes the bloody door on me. I expertly managed to get the pan off the hob before it caught fire, then came the second mistake. I decided to beat out the flames using a cloth. After succesfully extinguishing the fire and feeling quite pleased with myself I noticed something irritating my hand, upon looking at said hand I discovered my life saving, fire beating cloth was on fire itself and burning my hand. After many minutes cleaning the blackened kitchen walls and the cooker itself, I found myself neither cool nor calm and sucking my blistering thumb. Steak was really good though. I am now firmly in the oven chips camp.

I'm the Daddy

44 days, what could you do in 44 days? Thats exactly how long I've got until my lovely hormonal wife squeezes out our son. If he's got any sense he'll hang on in there for as long as he can. As wifey sleeps I whisper against her ever expanding midriff " permission to land denied young skywalker, area is hostile", not sure if he understands but something must be getting through as he seems as restless as I am about todays world! Not only do I have to deal with Pregasaurus Rex but the credit crunch, terrorism, dancing on ice etc etc are making life these days a little bit tougher. Still I'm optimistic, whilst I'm up at all hours changing nappies, feeding baby, playing guitar hero, I'll be far too tired to take notice of the country spiralling out of control whilst the politicians talk of stimulus. Stimulus?? Four cans of red bull or any other energy drink, half bottle of vodka, thats stimulating. Politics and the economy couldn't get a rise out of me if PM's questions were hosted by Melinda Messenger with nothing but her ice skates on.